Friday, December 5, 2014

Baby 4 Week 38: Then I Lose All Birth Cred...

Week 38

There are things birth workers hear women say all the time that become these cliches... these lies that many women believe are true. And we here them all the time so sometimes we have to try to not roll our eyes when we hear them... it's nothing personal... it's more about our birth culture and medical system than about you...

"The cord was around the baby's neck, so (insert dramatic outcome)."

"I would have died if I was at home."

"I just don't go into labor."

Nuchal cords (cord around the neck) are normal and almost never are a cause for concern; it's impossible to compare hospital and home birth outcomes because midwifery care has better outcomes, so those hospital complications would have happened; and... no one is pregnant forever...

All true.

Doesn't matter... I still have beliefs about my body that I can't seem to shake. For me, it's that I will not go into labor on my own. My midwife said it at this last appointment "no one is pregnant forever." Totally true, I've said it myself and if a woman came up to me and said "I just don't go into labor" I would explain to her about due dates, and cycles, and 40 weeks is not a deadline, that she probably would have eventually gone into labor... all of it... and I believe it... just not for me... which bothers me. What bothers me most is not the idea of not going into labor on my own... it's that I believe I won't. Will I then definitely not because I believe it?

Lots of birthy people would say yes. I hope they aren't right.

Here are my thoughts and why I don't think this is an irrational fear. I have long cycles... Stupid long cycles... 32-40 day cycles. Long cycles can mean longer pregnancies... from what I've heard. I don't believe that I would NEVER go into labor on my own... but I think it's very possible that if left to our own devices... baby and my body may not get the show on the road until 43-44 weeks... which can be normal and fine for some women.

I also have gestational diabetes and grow big babies. Normal woman at 43 weeks... probably normal birth... me at 43 weeks... 12 pound baby that I did not naturally grow, it had help from the GD and therefore more likely to have some issues. And 12 lb baby from a mom without GD... probably uncomplicated because it's what her body naturally grew.

I am not easily swayed by other people... and I'm not easily swayed by myself... I've been trying to tell myself that I totally could go into labor, I can get 90% of myself being like "YEAH this could TOTALLY happen! It's only 38 weeks but I should have that living room clean and laundry done because tonight COULD BE THE NIGHT!" #trustbirth #optimism #earthmamaenergy

And 10% is a grumpy cat meme telling the 90% to shut the fuck up and shave your legs.

Again... I'm not as concerned about not going into labor as I am concerned about believing that I won't... I really did trust everything last time... to pretty much the bitter end. And I don't want to even talk about this because I don't want anyone to be like "Ooooh... yeah she hasn't processed her last birth and her birth fears are going to (insert all content of Ina May's Guide to Childbirth)." No. Stop please. I processed the shit out of my first birth and I feel great about it. But clean slates don't exist. My body has a track record. I'm allowed to learn from its patterns. That doesn't mean I'm processing... it means I've processed and learned something.

I do know that I could be wrong, and I am open to that and fully welcome that. However... the truest, most honest part of me is nervous to take this pregnancy to 40 weeks, and nervous to even try to induce naturally because that has totally failed twice, and nervous to not do a membrane sweep because that worked so well, and most of all nervous of what I and everyone will think about my worries. When I had my plan, that I established as soon as I had an EDD, to start herbs two weeks ago and do a membrane sweep today... I worried about zero things... well some things... but nothing big. Now I'm having to face stuff.

So there's my big confession. I cannot believe I'm even writing this... I'm sure someone is already well into writing their nuchal cord horror story in the comments and is totally missing the point... and someone else is probably already pitying my birth that I'm totally ruining with my stupid thoughts.

I'm still excited. My birth team is awesome. I believe I'm going to have a great birth and I'm so excited to meet this baby... and I am trying to be welcoming to this baby. I'm trying to not tell this baby it can't come until (insert whatever I want to get done) and make sure baby knows we are ready for him or her... though a little part of that is still a lie... because I'd love to get a few things finished here. I hope that he or she just doesn't listen to me... baby you can't trust me right now... I'm too pregnant.

Physically I'm overall ok. If I was a first time mom I might be complaining more but I know everything I feel in my pelvis, legs, sometimes back are totally normal and will be gone soon. Baby is super in my pelvis. I have tons of space by my ribs which is nice. We are re-testing for GBS on Monday, been taking probiotics from every direction. I may have a doula. Lots of good things. Don't judge me too harshly. Sharing here means I don't have to worry about it.

These contractions I'm having right now will probably be "it" and this will be the most ironic post ever.

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