Thursday, July 24, 2014

Baby 4 Week 19: Maybe a Little Ragey

Week 19

Another week of little to no pregnancy feelings. Sometimes I get a little concerned about not feeling baby much or at all. Not concerned enough to actually do anything, because I don't think I should be concerned... but sometimes I let myself imagine what if something is actually not ok... and how it would all play out, where would I have the baby if it had died, what might it be like, which isn't unique to this pregnancy. If this makes any sense, in the most practical way possible, I've always tried to be very honest with myself that a pregnancy does not guarantee a baby. I've been like that from the start. I've known too many women who said they never believed it could happen to them, but then it did. I've poured over photo shoots from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, I don't skip over still birth stories, I've written about my need to do this before. As sad as a loss would be, I would hope that being familiar with resources, others' stories, and a knowledge of how common it can be would help. I don't know... and maybe you never really do until it happens.

Anyhow, when I think I feel the baby, it's always such a faint movement, I could be imagining it. I'm not sure if the position of the placenta this early could affect feeling baby, but that's something I'm considering. I really just look forward to clear, frequent movements... also looking forward to hearing baby at my appointment next week. That will be a relief.

I have had one likely symptom of my pregnancy plaguing me this week... and it's that I'm just a little ragey. Now... to be completely clear... this does not mean I'm wrong... I've definitely been right every time I've lost it... but I may have gone from zero to rage a little a lot I don't want to admit this quicker than normal.

What does this look like? Well on Friday I sent Eric to the store to pick up snacks for the Rodeo. I told him to get crackers (I even drew a picture of the container and sent it with him), healthy already popped popcorn, cheese and turkey. When describing the crackers, Eric asked me if I meant Pringles. I said no. I mean any kind of cracker in one of these to go containers:

He came back with Pringles. And kettle corn, and Fruit by the Foot (WHAT?), $18 worth of cheese and turkey, and milk that was also way too expensive. The whole point of this trip was that we would spend less than if we ate out, but it came out to $40. Long story short... and lots of yelling... I eventually wondered if I could be married to someone who seriously brought home Pringles after we had a clear conversation about Pringles not being what I was describing... and what about our future??? We can't be splurging on Fruit by the Foot (which I have never purchased) when Eric is unemployed and we are paying for a home birth out of pocket!

I was ok eventually, and Eric returned the Pringles. 

I finally decided to join a gym. I had been popping around using free passes at different gyms, doing youtube workouts, and running. I knew my days of being self motivated were numbered though... and my "runs" have a lot more walking time every week. I tried In Shape and they did offer the most classes. Things are pretty tight here, so I had to weigh the importance of staying in shape against having a little bit of breathing room in our budget. Basically... I just keep having to asking myself what am I willing to pay for this birth. So far... the answer keeps coming back, "a lot" or "whatever it will take." It's only $39... less than what Eric can pay for one snack spree... and if I get one weekend/evening babysitting gig a month I'll more than cover it. 

Just worked out, still running some, running shirts barely fit.
18 weeks and 5 days.

Physically, I feel amazing. no back pain, I don't feel big at all. I've been testing my blood sugar once or twice and week and it's been fine. Next week will be the halfway mark! Talk to you then!

What this week was like with my other pregnancies:
           Gives You Lemons


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