Friday, June 6, 2014

Baby 4 Week 12: Pregnancy Hamster Ball of Peace

Week 12

Heavy week. Not me... I've lost 7 pounds... but just... everything else... personally (not Eric, he's great), professionally, and pregnancy wise.

I haven't talked a lot about where I'm going to birth or with whom on here... or at all.. I'm not sure. The options I'm considering are a home water birth (ideal), or if I risk out of that option (possible, more on that), then I'm going to pursue a water birth at Natividad (which has not happened before, it's something I'd fight for), and if that is not possible, then I will go to Sutter and take advantage of their lovely jacuzzi tubs and birth my baby on land. I am comfortable with all the options. I am very comfortable with laboring in a hospital, I have been pretty much left alone during my last few births. However, I don't want to fight for any aspect of my birth on my baby's birth day. I don't want to be told where I can and cannot be, I don't want to be hooked to a monitor for even 20 minutes of every hour, I don't want to be told how I'm going to birth my baby or watch nurses panic as I don't birth the way they are used to... on my back with feet in the air. All that also might not happen... but if I can avoid the possibility, that would be great. I also want at least the choice to birth my baby in the water if I want to at that moment. I might not want to... but I might. I could just get in the water and refuse to get out... but is that the environment I want to birth in? Panicked medical professionals who think they are witnessing a disaster only because they don't have information? Yeah... not really.

So why might I not be able to have a home birth. I know some people go into their birth refusing to anticipate any variations in their plan... this is especially prevalent in home birthers... if we don't think about bad things, bad things wont happen... and I get it kinda. When I teach couples planning a VBAC, if they are dwelling on another cesarean, I wonder how committed they are to their choice to birth vaginally. My multiple back up plans might look like a lack of commitment to my hope to birth at home. This is something I've pondered at length on my long weekend runs. Should I have a plan B or should I just pile my eggs into my ideal basket? I don't think I've answered myself yet, but these are my thoughts.

I've been testing my blood sugar for a week. My after meals have been great, all under 100mg/dl (should be under 120mg/dl), except for one day when I had pasta, veggies, and fruit and no protein (other than what was in the pasta) and my reading was 136mg/dl. So there is no doubt, I am already gestational diabetic. My fasting numbers had also almost all been high. First thing in the morning they should be under 90mg/dl, and 4 out of 5 days they have been between 90-97mg/dl, and the other day it was 89mg/dl. Having high fasting numbers already is a serious concern and the one midwife I have interviewed has already said she would not feel comfortable taking me on if they were high... which is understandable. It blows... for sure... My diet is awesome, but there isn't a lot I can do about fastings. Chromium helped last time, and I plan to start taking it again once I've been testing for a while to determine what is really going on.

I do plan to interview another home birth midwife. What I'm wondering is if I could take Metformin, which I was taking before the pregnancy for milk supply and it helps with insulin resistance. The midwife I already talked to said no, but the Medical Board of California states that only insulin-dependent women should be risked out of midwifery care. I'm going to meet with an OB today and ask if Metformin would count, and I will ask the other midwife I hope to interview the same thing, That might help me control my fasting numbers. It's a lot to consider, and I'm trying to take it all in stride.

This week I also decided to activate my pregnancy hamster ball of peace. This will probably be one of those "you probably think this song is about you..." moments... but it seemed like almost every day since I posted last I somehow offended, angered, hurt... something... someone. I do spend a lot of time in my head,  I play and replay conversations, go over my relationships and wonder what is me, what is someone else's issue that they haven't dealt with that I've just happened to stir up. I check in with Eric a lot. And then check back with myself.

I was in the midst of one of these mental struggles on a car ride up to the bay area to pic up our table. Eric was driving and we had Marc Maron's podcast WTF on and I was mostly not listening because I was navigating a tense situation in my head... but I decided to take a break and listen to Maron's interview with RuPaul. It was awesome, and then he said what I needed to hear, even though it wasn't about my life specifically... it resonated with me:

"No, it is not the transsexual community. These are fringe people who are looking for story lines to strengthen their identity as victims. That is what we’re dealing with. It’s not the trans community, because most people who are trans have been through hell and high water and they know -- they've looked behind the curtain at Oz and went, 'Oh, this is all a fucking joke. But, some people haven't... You know, if your idea of happiness has to do with someone else changing what they say, what they do, you are in for a fucking hard-ass road. 
My 32-year career speaks for itself. I dance to the beat of a different drummer. I believe that everybody, you can be whatever the hell you wanna be. I ain’t stopping you. But don’t you dare tell me what I can do or say. It’s just words. Yeah, words do hurt… You know what? … You need to get stronger. You really do, because you know what, if you think, if you’re upset by something I said, you have bigger problems than you think."

You can listen to a 6 minute clip of this part of the conversation here. I have said almost this exact thing to people and have been made to feel like I was a uncaring person for it. I care, but I also need to be truthful, and believe it or not, I only speak my mind a fraction the time. I'm quiet a lot too, and I listen, and I let people be who they are choosing to be. But if being liked by everyone means I need to constantly censor what I believe, or try to figure out what this person wants to hear and what I can say so they think I'm great, or change who I am or what I believe depending on where I am... well then I don't want to play. I'm not going to be an activist among activists, conservative among conservatives, and offer to believe in anything just so people like me. Not for anything. Not for friendships, not to grow my business, there is no excuse that is worth my integrity. It's something that makes me so angry when I watch people do it. When that's the way you live, you will eventually be found out anyway... maybe not by everyone, but by someone, and you'll be seen for what you are. I can't adopt a quality that is literally against everything that is me. And if I don't use my talents and energy and passion to work to bring more truth and hopefully initiate change... even though change inevitably pisses most people off... then what is the point of me? It's hard... and I'm getting tears all over my hamster ball now. But the little twisty door is shut tight and this is where I'm going to hang out for a while.

I'm looking forward to my appointment with Dr. Chandler in a few hours. I'll get to hear baby's heartbeat which will be the only sign of baby's existence in the last month or so. I really am not feeling sick or all that tired. The tummy is growing. I was getting what felt like tightness in my chest, not quite a palpitation, but something... and was getting concerned and then I read that happened with Indy too. Weird. I'll ask about it today.

Same place same time next week? Cool.

What this week was like with my other pregnancies:
                       Milo, Week 12: Puking in Public with Style
                       Ash, Week 12: Zen Baby
                       Indy, Week 12: Pressure Cooker

- Cori

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