Guess what happened.
I lasted 5 days.
Then I felt bad that I broke my vow and I didn't for 2 days, then I did... then 2 more days... then I did again... so I told Eric to get rid of it. He returned it to Costco (it was 3 years old, basically we don't buy from Costco, we borrow). Ahhh.... relief... look at my amazing self control! I am going to be such balanced spirit of light and self love.
For like a day.
Every morning after that I'd get up ready to find out how I was going to feel that day, and there was nothing to measure my success from the previous day by! It was like I was like life didn't count if I couldn't measure it. If I felt thinner I wanted to know how well I had done, and I felt fatter I wanted to know how bad. I started measuring and trying to see my weight in the mirror, seeing slight differences but not sure and wanting to know what it all means!!! Pretty sure that's totally missing the point right? I didn't care, I know it was totally compulsive. If I didn't do it I couldn't stop thinking about it and if I'd just do it I'd feel a little better... but a number would reaaally make me feel better.
So last week I couldn't take it and I sent Eric out for a scale. Not like... maybe we'll get a scale this weekend... it was GET ME A SCALE NOW!
This is all pathetic right? But here's my thing...
I force myself to face fears, be logical and rational and challenge myself 90% of the time. But 10% of the time I have to look myself in the mirror and say "You are crazy... but I'll give you this one." Eric goes camping with my brothers and friends on this mountain near a cliff. Like... you can see the cliff from your tent. I refuse to go. I know it's stupid, but I think I'll fall off. I don't know how... maybe I'll get up to pee and go towards the cliff instead of away from it but I just know I'd be lying in my sleeping bag thinking about that cliff... so though I love camping, I sit that one out. For every 9 controlled and rational decisions I make I allow myself to indulge in just one of my neuroses.
I have my scale back and I feel so much better. Maybe someday down the road I'll try this again, but right now I'm not ready. Think what you will about me, but doing something as irrational as weighing myself 4 times in a day somehow provides balance right now.... it could be worse.
|Selfie with my friend.|