I'm not particularly skilled at being private, this blog is evidence of that. Sometimes I scroll back to posts from my college years and I cringe a little at how candid I was at times, but for me, once something is out there I don't have to worry about it anymore. I need therapy and I just choose to publish my issues instead of paying someone to listen to them.
Anyhow... I really should have started this post earlier in the week.
I had my postpartum check-up two weeks ago today. The OB said I looked like I had never had a child (lies) and that I was good to, as Amy Hayes puts it, "swim and screw."
*fair warning, if you don't know a lot about fertility and the female body... some gross stuff might be ahead*
We aren't really using birth control. I'm allergic to latex and spermicide, please don't even suggest sheep skin, and hormonal birth controls wreak all kinds of havoc in my body. So we use natural family planning... tracking my cycle, watching for fertile cervical mucus, open cervix... and we just don't have sex when I'm ovulating. It works if you have any level of self control, we happen to have a thread and it somewhat gets us by between babies.
So of course we take advantage of getting the green light that same day and the next morning... egg whites, ie fertile cervical mucus. I check my cervix and it's wide open! I actually yelled "Are you kidding me? Fucking cervix!"
It takes quite some time for most women to ovulate when they are breastfeeding, some don't ovulate at all until they wean, but usually only if you are nursing frequently. Indy nurses every 4-6 hours, sometimes longer. I knew I could ovulate... but really... what am I going to do? I rather get pregnant than suffer through what birth control does to me and I rather get pregnant than set my alarm and pump in the middle of the night because Indy wants his beauty rest. All seems like a reasonable risk until you are 7dpo (days past ovulation) and are light headed, nauseated, and spotting (possible implantation?), and you are 8dpo and the nausea is now accompanied with food aversions and then at 9dpo this happens:
I don't expect gasps, the line was very light but in person, Eric even said he saw it. But, the test was expired, and I've never had a "squinter." All my tests have been clearly negative then at 14dpo, or with Indy, not until 16dpo, I get a clear positive. Eric and I still freaked out. I didn't even get ONE drink!
I shared the picture with other moms that I knew loved squinting at tests and most of us were pretty certain we saw a line. I needed another test. I sent Eric out for one that night and Amy tossed some in the mail for me. My next test I took at night instead of the morning and there was no line. A whole day passed while I waited for Amy's tests to arrive (agony). When they arrived I took one immediately. At 5 minutes there was no line... but then a few hours later I went to the bathroom, noticed it on the counter, picked it up to toss it... and there was a line! I googled how long was too long for a line to "count" and I read 10 minutes. I took another test and at just under 10 minutes there was a light line, but it didn't look pink, so it could be an evaporation line. Ugh. I felt like my body was a magic 8 ball and every time I peed on a stick I got a "maybe" or "check back later."
In the meantime I am nauseated, exhausted, experiencing dizzy spells, would rather die than go near a lettuce leaf and my left ovary is throbbing. It was like that first week before we found out I was pregnant with Indy all over again. You all know how I feel about blood and needles, yesterday I was seriously considering going in for a blood test to confirm or rule out pregnancy once and for all... at this point I don't even care what the answer is, I just want to understand what is happening.
So... tomorrow is 14dpo, the absolute soonest I've ever had a positive... if I get negatives up through Monday (16dpo, the latest I've had a positive) I'll feel confidant that Indy will not have an Irish twin and Eric is taking me out for a drink... or three.
Update: My friend Anna gave me a fancy shmancy First Response test and it was negative! No little occupants quite yet and I don't have to bemoan the fact that I didn't even get one drink between pregnancies.