Thursday, February 14, 2013

Baby III Week 41: Where's My Bomb Shelter?

41 Weeks!

When I found out I was pregnant I thought I was due on Valentines Day. I was pretty bummed when I recounted the weeks and figured out I was off by a week. There was no way I'd go over a week, I didn't think we'd make it into February. Well we made it to Valentines Day, and unless something miraculous happens, we aren't having a Valentines baby. Oh well.

I saw my midwife on Monday and everything looked good still. I'm measuring 42 weeks, baby is definitely growing. Head was still a little floaty but baby has moved down. She would like me to go in for a non-stress test... if I'm still pregnant next week maybe I will.

I've read many birth stories where the woman goes "over due" and she has to go into hiding because of people hounding her over when she is going to have the baby or horrified that the woman is being "allowed" to go passed that magic date. I never totally got it. I thought those women must be weak. They are just words. Ignore them.

I get it.

I thought it would be the physical discomfort that would be taking me down at this point, but it's the emotional discomfort. What all those concerned friends and family miss is that it's not like WE as the ticking time bomb are unaware of what society sees as normal birth and that we are stepping outside our culture's comfort zone. Despite everything I know to be true about what really is normal birth, and about what is safe... I have moments at 4am where I'm scared. Where I second guess everything and I don't want to trust birth anymore because trust is hard. I want the easy way out that I KNOW is not the safest, but it's a known... and what if something happens while I'm waiting? Everyone will blame me. I wont blame me. I trust me... and that's just where I have to keep circling back to. This is like my birth transition (just before pushing, when most women panic, don't think they can go on) in my pregnancy... no matter how much I know... I'm doubting... and I don't need anyone doubting with me.

I have been in and out of what feels like labor all week. It's super confusing. Sometimes during contractions I actually feel pushy, baby feels that low right now! Today I feel like I'm walking around at 7cm... actually... funny story...

So I really want to know what's going on with my cervix. I know it means nothing, but I want to know... but I don't want anyone to check. But I want to... so for the third pregnancy in a row I've tried to check and I just can't reach. So.... I asked Eric to do it.

He won't.

He said anything in that area is only supposed to be sexy and he wont play doctor. I told him that someday he's going to need me to do something gross and I'm going to do it... and besides... he's seen me give birth.

Eric said he is still getting over that.


I'm going to keep working on him...

This should be the last post... right?

This looks about right.

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