Wednesday, June 8, 2011

My Mommy Body Tantrum


If you don't want to hear me throw a toddler worthy fit over my post baby body, go ahead and skip this post. I've been holding this back for a few weeks now, because who wants to take precious time out of their day to read five paragraphs of whining and complaints... well... hopefully you do.

We all know that no one loves what their body looks like just after having a baby, it's an absolute mess. Stretch marks and saggy skin don't exactly spell sexy... actually, I might be able to find the word sexy in my elaborate web of stretch marks... but you know what I mean. I don't love the wreckage Milo and Ash have left in their wake, but I've accepted it. What I can't accept is the fat that my body insists on holding on to no matter what I do. It's awful, and I'm afraid there's nothing I can do to shed it.

Yes I've heard it takes 9 months to gain the weight and 9 months to take it off... and I know I just gave birth to two gorgeous little boys less than 18 months apart and I should be happy with my body and its amazing ability to give life. The power of that is not lost on me. However, I don't feel like this body is the one I deserve. I go out for a run, I feel strong and amazing and I get home, look in the mirror, and the person I see doesn't look like she could get up a flight of stairs let alone though 90 minutes of intense cardio.

I feel I'm doing so much "right" when it comes to fitness, but I'm enjoying none of the benefits. I'm obsessed with MyFitnessPal and I count all my calories. I'm training for my first half marathon, so I run 15-20 miles a week plus I do other cardio like kickboxing, walking with the kids and hiking. But I don't fit in any of my clothes and the scale has not budged in 7 weeks. It's like spending months carefully tending a garden but not getting a single bloom, fruit, or vegetable for your labor. It's absolutely unfair!

I know nursing is holding me back from reaching my weight loss goal. I struggled with this while nursing Milo, but I somehow convinced myself that it wouldn't happen again. My doctor said that my body will not let me tap into my fat stores because it is preparing for a famine. Awesome. I believe my body is also preparing for a flood because right now I would make an excellent floatation device.

I guess I should appreciate that I have a body that prepares for the worst, but I really rather have a body that prepares for swim suit season. I know I'll lose the weight when I wean Ash, when I weaned Milo I lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks. I wish I could be rewarded right now for my hard work and not feel punished for my dedication to giving my son the best food for him. I can't say anything more eloquent about it than it sucks and I hate it.

2 comments:

  1. Just wear fake eyelashes until you wean Ash. That should help a little bit. :) I wish you didn't have to go through this. I know how hard you work at eating right and working out. It is NOT fair at all. However...you do have the gift of being able to conceive back to back...and I would take that over quick postpartum weight loss any day. ;)

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  2. Fake eyelashes fix everything.

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