Saturday, January 15, 2011

Baby II Week 29: Get Me a Paper Bag ASAP, Natural Childbirth Freakout

So suddenly I'm getting all this "OMG can I do this?" anxiety, and uh, I don't like it. I knew there was a teenie tiny seed of doubt in me as soon as I gave birth to Milo. I had gotten an epidural, maybe I can't cut it. Also, I had gotten it and it wasn't a total disaster. I didn't love it, but it was fine. Overall I still felt like I could have labored naturally without the pitocin and that I did everything I could to have a very big baby in a high risk situation as safely as possible... but that little seed was there. Over the past year Eric has heard lots of "Do you think I can do this?" from me. His answer is usually "Yes" but I know his confidence is a bit shaky too.

The doubt has remained in ungerminated seed form since Milo's birth. If other women can labor naturally then why shouldn't I be able to? I often go through my list of women in my head that have experienced natural childbirth and lived to tell of it. I go through my reasons why it's important to Eric and I, and all the skills we have to achieve our goal. I repeat the reasons why we were unsuccessful before and remind myself of what we are doing differently this time to avoid those obstacles. It's a childbirth brainwash really.

Well for some reason my brainwashing got interrupted. I think it maybe started with a birth story post by one of my favorite mommy bloggers. Now, I've read tons of birth stories. Natural, emergency, horrific, miraculous, easy, hard, home, hospital, water... plus I don't know how many birth videos on YouTube. I have read of horrors, my friend, the stuff only nightmares are made of (elaborate, severe tears are always the worst for me!), but for some reason this one was the little drop of water the awoke my flip out seed.

There are a lot of facts and promises I've leaned on to keep me motivated, but there's also facts and unknowns I've push out and suddenly I've let them flood in. This baby will probably be big, despite how hard I've worked, I can tell. He's huge. Big babies don't just get stuck, but laboring with one is more painful. I wasn't allowed to tear last time, but what if I do this time... what kind of wreckage will another 10 pounder leave in his wake? Will I be able to endure that drug free? I can't imagine just laying there laboring cow style the way we learned with Bradley during the contractions I was experiencing on max'ed pitocin, will natural labor really be that different? Or as soon as it gets serious will I suddenly remember and freak...

So far, my rational, prepared, still pretty comfortable and totally not in labor yet self thinks she can do it. I'm also stubborn, and if I go into labor naturally and we face no serious obstacles, I'm not sure if I could ever hold my head up high again if I gave in and abandoned our mission. I know plenty will chime in about it being ok and as long as the baby is healthy and all, but goals are important to me. I really believe this can be done, and if it can be done... then damn it I'm gonna do it. ... right after I finish my anxiety attack... bag please.

3 comments:

  1. While I haven't had pitocin myself to compare, I have heard from multiple parties that the contractions from pitocin are WAY, WAY, WAY stronger than without, so hopefully that will give you some peace of mind.

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  2. Hi Mama, I'm Crystalftw from the DS DDC. You usually post a bunch and haven't seen you around so I thought to come over.
    You will go into labor and you will do great. Don't let doubt in! Be stubborn, read more, learn more! Right now I'm reading Ina May's Guide to Childbirth; I skipped the first half of birth stories but the rest is rly great and talks about birthing big babies, etc.
    MAJOR tears usually only happens when mama pushes too soon and forces her body to do something its not ready to. This is why it's important to be drug-free, so your body can do what it needs to and you can feel, in turn listen.
    Additionally, you have one major thing going for you- YOUR BODY HAS DONE THIS BEFORE! YAY! Yes, you may have had an epi the last time, but your body still remembers, your skin is still as malleable. Mama's push out 10+ babies alllll the time, at home alone, even! You can and you will!

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  3. I think if you get to point where you just know that you will have fonder memories of your birth experience if you were in less/no pain, then it could be considered making a good choice, not failing to meet your goal. Screaming in pain might be natural, but I'm really glad I don't have any miserable painful memories of either of my birth experiences.

    I think you can do it without drugs. And if pride is what gets you through it, so you can say you did it...so be it. But, if it gets so horrible and you 'give in' I think the last thing you should feel is like you have failed in some way.

    I'm pretty sure you will do it without drugs...if not this time, eventually. :)

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