Monday, December 21, 2009

Something is Broken in My Brain

I've never been thin. Ever since I was 15 I've needed to put in three times the amount of gym time as my friends to achieve not nearly as good results. There have been times in my life when I've put in 15 hours a week just to see that magical "160" on the scale (the goal used to be 140, until I realized I'd have to remove a limb to achieve it). 160 is not impressive for someone running 5 miles, doing an hour of weights and then another hour of cardio. I'm only 5'4, it's insulting.

Long story short, I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome last year (after 9 years of my doctor telling me I just needed more diet and exercise... thanks!) and I started to come to grips with my perpetual squishiness. My new doctor said that I have the blood work of an athlete, just not the body. Fine, I'll accept that.

Well, I think I've coped with all this pretty well, maybe too well. My current weight and goal weight haven't been close for about a year. They send each other post cards, that's how far they are from each other. It seems that my coping device has been to develop the opposite of body dysmorphic disorder. I look in the mirror and, yeah, it's not amazing, but I think I'm ok. Well then I go shopping and nothing that I pick up fits, not even close. It's messing with my head! I can't even dress myself. Oh then I go to the gym, and I want to make fun of the super fat chick trying to do step... then I realize it's me.

Where ever that wire in my brain that goes from how I think I look (old me), to how I know I look (new me) is, it's broken. Or maybe it's just my brain protecting me from reality. I'm ok with that too.


  1. karma is a bitch aint it?

  2. Well, I had a few extra pounds because I just had a beautiful son, I have an incredible husband that loves and wants me no matter what my size but has still cheered me on as I shed the pounds, and since this post I've now acheived my prebaby weight so... I'd say Karma has been pretty good to me :)