Sunday, January 27, 2008

My Job & No Regrets

I'm reading Jack, Ramona the Pest, our heads close over the book, I give him a head but once in a while, because he loves it. I'm giving Alexis back her juice box and pulling Hailey's toys out of the toilet, wishing I hadn't answered the phone. I'm juggling baby Tucker, giggling and flirting like he does, and dance and sing numbers 1-20 with Owen in Japanese.

"So what do you do Cori?"
"I'm a full time nanny, I love it."
"OMG I can't stand kids, that's why I have dogs."
"I completely know how you feel Meg, but there's a trick to it."

This week while reading to Jack I had a thought, perhaps a pang of guilt. Instead of cuddled with Jack on the couch, I could be sitting infront of 30 Jacks, reading this same book, opening up this little world to them and pouring out my love and enthusiasm on them. I am so good with my children. I work closely with their parents to make them the best, most intelligent and well behaved children we can. Am I wasting myself, not lending my skill to the masses?

Back to my conversation with Meg. The reason why most intelligent adults don't enjoy children is because most children are pieces of shit. Many are not little vessels to be filled with endless potential. Most are abnoxious because that's what their parents are. I don't have hope in every child... for most I feel dread. So when I went to college to be a teacher, I believed each pack of children who passed through my class would leave it better, with my drive and passion. But that's not what a teacher does. Even if that's what they set out to do, fresh out of their sterile college universe, they soon learn that's not their intended function. They don't even have to be particularly intelligent, just obedient and good at relaying the chosen curriculum. What a happy life.

I remember being 11 and knowing my teacher was working for her paycheck. She was numb to us. So many teachers I've met now, from the salon, from life... are the same, and I haven't met one that I've liked yet. There's much to say, but this is about me not them.

I explained to my new friend that the trick was selecting the children with potential, which is what I did. They accept discipline and are extremely smart. If they were with me in a classroom, I would have to play to the dumb masses, and their exellence would be lost. I'm not against public education, it's necessary to create strong children that can accept what is good and correct and reject what is not, to respect authority, even if the authority is wrong... etc... but only good parents (or parental figures) can create an amazing child... or some latent genetics. It was a great conversation, and I was glad to be able to give her hope in children.

I love my job. If it wasn't for my desire to have children of my own, I'd do this forever. I love the freedom I have to do what I know is absolutely right. I love watching my kids grow and respond positively to both my teaching and discipline. I love they know that I am engaged in their world. I love that I go home, everyday without fail, full of pride in my day's work, though tired and perhaps snot and spaghetti spattered. I love that I don't have to go home to drink away the stress of the day or to make myself forget how much less my life is than what I had been expecting.

I love living a life without compromise... I love having it all.

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