Thursday, November 29, 2007

The Season of Suffering

When it comes to protecting my Christmas Happiness no measure is too extreme. Booby traps, alarms, vicious dogs... a moat. I have a very ridged formula as to what constitutes Christmas Happiness, and it will remain that way at all costs.

Step 1 to Christmas Happiness: Buy a tree.

Not cut one down, and not open a box... only freezing cold in a parking lot with flood lights and numb fingers. The only acceptable tree, Noble Firs, are hard to come by in farms, and fake Christmas trees are child abuse. This sounds a little natzi... but I have very specific Christmas Happiness.

Eric is "allergic"* to trees. I love Eric so I was willing to break the first commandment of Christmas Happiness: "Thou shalt not have a fake tree." The idea made my stomach hurt but I agreed to shop around. To make a very long, painful, tear filled story short, I couldn't find anything acceptable under $300. My Christmas Happiness was on a ventilator in ICU... it couldn't take much more.

Finally I decided that I've had Christmas Happiness longer than Eric has had these "allergies" and maybe like in Rock Paper Scissors, Christmas Happiness beats "allergies."

I called my mom and told her I was getting a tree. She told me Eric couldn't handle it, it wasn't right, it wasn't fair to him... to make this his "Season of Suffering." Well we all have to make sacrifices.

So Eric agreed to come, and I made sure he was in with the Christmas Happiness spirit. You HAVE to have the spirit or the whole thing feels wrong and cheap. So all spirited up we headed out to the lot for Eric's first Christmas tree shopping experience. Once again I will spare you the gory details... but about 1 tree in Eric wanted to go home... and by the 8th I could see annulment in his eyes. As other families found their perfect trees all around us, every one we painstakingly cut open and unwrapped was lopsided, had bald patches, was crooked... not Christmas Happiness acceptable.

I did my best to keep the spirit alive but Eric had already run a stake through his and had a knife to the throat of mine. I knew I had maybe one more tree unwrapping left in him and thank the lord we found the one in that bundle.

My home now smells like tree and although it was touch and go for a while there... Christmas Happiness prevailed. Oh and I erased Eric's memory so he won't remember the misery when the last week of November rolls around next year.

And as for the "allergies," Eric has shown no signs... Cori: 1 Eric's "Allergies:" 0

I think the moral of the story is that if someone loves you enough, they'll do anything for you... even change their biological makeup.




*I don't believe in allergies

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