Wednesday, October 10, 2007

The Gaps

I'm a girl, but I am not wholly retarded when it comes to building stuff. I was looking at a table that was made for me. It's a beautiful table, but with a good wiggle the back right leg comes off. The joints were not sanded enough first so they didn't properly bond when glued. Easily fixed, but easier still to just do it right at the beginning as there's no old glopply glue to work through.

As Eric and I merge our two worlds to one, there's undoubtedly a little glue to work though. As his and mine become ours there's more than enough that can't make the transition. Gifts, letters, pictures, both obvious as well as unexpected reminders of a past life that need sanding away. Most people in a frantic, superficial and emotionally driven attempt at healing, rip away at these right after a break-up, but Eric and I didn't...

Sitting on the floor of our living room I sorted through the memories... letters, pictures, strange little mementos... I know the stories behind them all, the gaps of time between the snap shots, the conversations between the letters... and I realized how poorly we represent our lives sometimes... and how deliberate the deception often is.

I found my old diary, every entry a love letter never sent. I poured over my words, completely impressed with their eloquence. I so passionately wanted to give my heart to someone who deserved it, and surprisingly, even at such a young age, I knew exactly what kind of man did. I realized that as I wrote, I made each man "that man" by wrongfully applying the attributes that even then I knew they didn't have, justifying each relationship to my paper... pen... and future self. Fortunately, as future me, I'm not so easily fooled.

I picked up a picture from my honeymoon, remembering how painfully hard it was to answer the question "How was the honeymoon?" afterwards, and thanking God for having lots of smiling pictures to lie for me. Sometimes in a smile you can see a shadow of pain, but not here. My smile is so bright, so perfect that you would never guess that only hours before I was curled tight into a ball of sheets and fury, crying my eyes out into a pillow, begging to know how I could be so heartlessly deceived, why I deserved so little love and so much rejection. One of the most painful days of my life, but what a brilliant liar a photo makes.

Perhaps stranger still was packing away Eric's memories. Knowing which unhappy gaps fit between which smiling photos, I fought that sick confusion that comes with knowing you've being so classically fooled, and trying to not take the deceptions personally... which I do all too often. I laid our pasts side by side. It was like a little double burial, only no one cried and no kind words were shared. Looking at Eric sleeping on the couch, looking down to our box, and back at him... I put the little liars to rest. They had done their jobs brilliantly, but would no longer be needed. I curled up on my groggy man's lap and rewarded myself with a much deserved rest... excited to have lots of empty albums to fill with our love and happiness... and perfectly sanded edges all ready to be glued for good :)

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