Thursday, August 16, 2007

The Me I Want to See

I know lots of people lose weight and see their bodies transform. I did a little... for over a year I would drag myself out of bed and work out before work... just me, Whitney and some jump ropes that we would become very intimate with. But it was not like this. We pushed ourselves, but I admit I'm not as hard on me as I could be. If it hurts... I will stop.

Taking the sculpt, cardio, step, core and kickboxing classes (yes, all those every week!) has pushed me far passed the highest fitness level I thought I was capable of. Yes I'm usually the heaviest girl there, but I push my body maybe harder than any other woman in the room, until I'm literally standing in a pool of sweat and exhaustion. Every workout feels like the hardest of my life. Every day I'm sore and tired and just a little more disappointed in my body.

I've watched the numbers on the scale move down over the passed months but that's not the same as seeing your body change... seeing it do something it has never done. At my thinest, when I was seventeen, I weighed exactly 20 pounds less than I do today, but I was just a smaller version of my squishy self. I don't just want a lower number, I want to see muscles where there was fat. I want to be able to feel my skin tight against muscle, not squish. I want to look as strong as I know I am. I know... who doesn't want that... but I've never had that! It's not like I ate myself this way, I was like this when I was 8, when I was 12, when I was 18. I've never had an even remotely toned waist, arms, or back. I would love to know what that's like. If you were born skinny... appreciate it, because I would love to trade my 10 hours a week working out for sleep or time with Eric. But I can't. and it never feels wholy worth it because even though I bust my ass harder than every perfectly toned body in the room, I still have to slip into size 10 jeans in the locker room. Well tonight, I finally got something. Something for my hours and my sweat and my continual abstinance from all bread, alcohol, Starbucks, alcohol, cereal, alcohol and not sleeping in on my days off and going to the gym instead. Finally, a change.

Tonight I was putting lotion on my back, looking in the mirror, and as I reached up my back muscles tightened and there was definition where there once was unexplainable fat, and I looked strong. I was mesmerised. I never look strong... no one ever would believe that I can run 4 or 5 miles or do the advanced fitness classes or kickbox with excellent form and speed. I look like I sit on the couch and eat. Well tonight I looked like my body was capable of something greater, I finally looked as strong as I feel... it was a first. I always feel like the real me is hiding in a fat suit. Tonight, I was finally getting to see a little of the me I've known, or hoped, was there. Suddenly, the sacrifices were all worth it.

No comments:

Post a Comment