Thursday, April 26, 2007

Hell Tub

What the hot tub taught me about Eric...

Back story:
So I'm currently house sitting a beautiful house up in San Benancio. It has a personal gym, huge tv, a wrap around deck that over looks the canyon, and a hot tub. Life is sweet.

The Scene:
After a long day of nothing, Eric andI are stoked to rev up the hot tub and chill under the stars, our new favorite after dark activity. I'm bikinied up and ready to get in, yay... totally excited because it was broken the night before, and there's nothing worse than basically getting naked in the freezing cold for nothing. Something went wrong and the jets wouldn't work and the temp went up to 120 degrees... and we did not feel like being Cori and Eric soup. Tonight, jets are working, sweet... but it's not as hot as we like our hot tub. No prob, I turn up the heat and we jump in. Let the awesome begin.

The Suffering:
Awesome did not begin. It was colder than we thought. We found the little heat vent at the bottom and felt warm water flowing out, awesome, it'll heat up in no time, and for now we'll just huddle over this tiny vent. So huddle we did and I tried to ignore the icicles forming on my wet hair. Every so often Eric would say "It feels warmer, right?" but I always said no and threatened to give up. I thought maybe I should check the heat again, so a pulled myself out of the water. Immediately the rush of icy wind took my breath away and I plunged back into the water. Eric was shivering but not so worried. I however, had felt the horror that loomed just outside the swirling lukewarm water. My threats of heading back to the house disappeared with the white puffs of my breath. I whined that I was done with this ride and U wanted off, and that's when my sweet Eric's halo seemed to evaporate with my body heat to be replaced with little horns and a slightly sinister laugh.

The Revealing:
Never have I not liked a word that has come out of this boy's mouth. He spews brilliance and genius 24 hours a day, and I'm just lucky to be in the splash zone. Suddenly I do not know this man. He begins saying how he loves being caught in miserable situations with people, and how shivering in the freezing tub makes him think of church. What? Time passes. I'm shaking, I'm freezing, and now I have to pee... I'm seriously on the verge of tears... to which he laughs and says he looks forward to watching me try to make it to the house, most likely screaming and flailing, but he assures me I probably won't make it, the hypothermia will take me. Uhhh how about, "Aw I'm sorry sweetie let me get you a towel." No! It becomes a test of wills, and bladders. He begins to settle down and claim the water is not so bad. With a raised eyebrow I recall an episode of taxi where the characters had to have sex in the snow in order keep up body heat and survive, and I wonder if he's seen it too... and perhaps is concocting some plan. Suddenly the smile I adore brings chills as icy as the wind, which has just picked up mockingly. My protector is now a frightening predator. I lift a toe out of the water and watch as it's suddenly blue in seconds.

I won't make it back to the house. I'm going to die here.

The Escape:
I stare at Eric from across the water and think of all those couples whose relationships collapse after a tragic experience, like the death of a child or a house fire. How sometimes horrible sides of people are revealed in tragedy. Surely he can tell by my icy little tears and shivering glare that I hate his soul right now, and his mocking smile makes me wish I had a fork to plunge into his skull. I whine once more that I'm cold, and he offers to pee in the water. Who is this man??? I know if we ever escape this icy hell tub we will be one of those couples people whisper about when they see one of us in town. They will say "Oh yes, Cori Vevoda and Eric Gentry, yes they had a very bright future... babies, sunsets and rocking chairs... yes, well until... the hot tub." As if he hears my thoughts, or perhaps is just tired of my crying, Eric gets out of the water, and as he shivers slightly he says, it's not so bad, come on..." And proceeds to stand there and dry off. Ok, well if he's standing there and not running it must not be that bad.

I was wrong, so fucking wrong... I'm attacked by stinging winds and can barely breath... fight or flight... flight... so I run as fast as I can up the stairs and back to the house... and Eric wins... he gets to see me run practically naked, and totally soaking wet... back to house... I slam the sliding glass door behind me and consider locking it... but that'll only slow me down on the way to the bedroom. I stop long enough to turn up the heat to 80 and rip off my suit which is now freezing to my skin.

Conclusion:
Eric struts back into the house with a look of ultimate satisfaction. I'm warm now, and happy. I guess the fabric of our relationship is stronger than I expected because suddenly evil Eric is forgotten. Foolishness on my part, perhaps... he knows I'm a sucker... but I'm his sucker so it's ok. So I'll keep the boy, but I'm pushing the hot tub off the deck into the canyon first thing in the morning...

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