Thursday, January 18, 2007

Behind Enemy Lines

We'll get to Costco in a moment... first I must set the scene...

As many of you know, I have worked at Sahara Sun for a long time. I love it, it's easy, I watch movies and I Myspace all day. Life is good, however, I have never been given a raise for how excellently I complete these activities. This has made me feel exceedingly underappreciated lately. It's been almost three years... I need a raise.

I have been carefully planning my attack for a couple weeks now, trying to grow a ball and get up the guts to ask. Then, as fate would have it, one co-worker and the manager quit this week. Perfect timing, ask the boss while she's panicking and doesn't know what she's agreeing to. So I asked, she said no.

Then she said she'd think about it.

Today she said yes. Finally, my first raise.

I'm feelin good. I'm feelin bold. I'm feelin... like buying my first ipod. The pink one. The one whose name I screamed out instead of the boy I was last with. "Oooo pink iPod! Oh baby I love you so much!! God you are so fucking hott!!!" Needless to say, I didn't get asked out on a second date... but I digress.

So I would have loved to pop over to the Apple store, because walking in makes me feel like a blonde moth flying into a bug zapper. I suddenly forget my name and run into everything and everyone... and drool a little. I blame the lights. But it's too expensive. So is Best Buy. And, well I could do Ebay, but I need pink iPod now... I've been calling my pink razor pink iPod for the last hour, and she's threatening to leave. So Walmart or Costco it is.

I love Walmart and hate Costco. You would think I would hate Costco because of the crowds or its power to convince you that you really need 172 rolls of toilet paper and a 24 pack of crest toothpaste. But no, I hate Costco because it is elitist. It thinks it's better because it requires membership cards and there are people at the door to pat you down and do cavity searches every time you go in (that's not just me, right?).

So walmart. pink iPod: $197. Sigh... ok that's a lot, but that's probably what it is as Costco. It has to be... but what if it is less there... Eric said it was under $100 there, can I really take that risk? No. To Costco.

I hate Costco so much that I don't have a card, it's the principle, you know? However, my dad left his in his car. So I have it. Could I sneak pass as him? Perhaps. Is it worth the risk? Sigh. Tes, yes it is... ok men, watch my back... I'm moving in!!

My heart is literally pounding. I wonder what they do if they catch you with someone else's card? Tar and feather? Sell you to prostitution or gypsies? Crucifixion? I don't know, but if I died, I'd consider myself a martyr. Which makes me smile.

I flash my card like I've totally done this before... and I'm in. I'm actually a little overwhelmed with my sneakiness for a minute and giggle. I quickly pull myself together and move into the electronics section and try to blend in like everything is normal... but i keep giggling every so often.

I find the iPods. Pink iPod: $187. Bingo baby, bingo. I resist the urge to do a roll over to the ipods with my fingers shaped like a gun, like a Charlie's Angel would. I manage to make it through the check-out without giggling or cracking under the extreme pressure, which would entail me screaming out "Ok I did it!!! I'm a fraud, take me away!!!" and holding my wrist out like the filthy criminal I am. Oh maybe pink fuzzy handcuffs... I feel a movie inspiration coming on.

So happy ending. Me and pink iPod will be strutting down Alvarado tomorrow in hott red pumps and a mini skirt, pretending to be in NYC, pink iPod blasting KT Tunstall's "Suddenly I See"... and we'll be absolutely fabulous.

The end.

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