Monday, September 25, 2006

7-11 is Out of Control

7-11 is out of control. I have always found the all-night-always-there-for-you-when-you-need-a-friend convenience stores to be a little unstable, with their slightly cocky slogan, "Oh, thank heaven for 7-11," to their sandwich combos that defy reason, "Peppered beef with apple butter and rainbow sprinkles on rye anyone?" Personally, I thank heaven for when St. Jude's kids beat cancer and when baby pandas are born, not when I have somewhere to get a swiss and jelly croissant at 3am. And don't get me wrong, creativity is a wonderful thing. By all means, make doughnuts in the shape of swans. Go ahead, we really need slurpee straws made out of candy and aspartame. Creativity, however, has its limits. There are places that the imagination should never go, flavors that need not exist, yet they do. To illustrate this we look at the 7-11 "gourmet" coffee line and how it has been taken to new heights of bizarre.

When I saw the almond joy cappuccino, I was a little entertained with a sprinkle of disturbed, like when I saw that dog with no front legs that walks like a human on Opera. This spring the 7-11 laboratories brought us the peach a la mode latte. When I saw the sign, I died a little inside. The 7-11 powers were on a crusade to combine things that tasted perfectly good on their own with coffee. It was a time of lost innocence.

As new combinations were brewed I began to believe this was how things would always be, but like so many other times in my life, I was wrong, and would someday wish for the "old days." 7-11 would evolve, like so many other things: canaries, grapefruit, snow shoes. . . to name a few of my favorites. 7-11 now combines two things that taste good independently with coffee to make a combo that makes you question your existence and whether this is truth, or just another glitch in the matrix.

I give you the pumpkin cheesecake latte. As i write this i am considering another fast in order to morn the raping of the coffee industry. Nothing is pure, nothing is innocent, and is there even any such thing as pumpkin cheesecake in the first place? These are the things that keep me awake at night, not world peace or babies with cancer, 7-11 gourmet coffee combinations.

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