Sunday, August 20, 2006

God Teaches Cori to Drive

I woke up on fire. Not literally, but spiritually. I know weird, usually I wake up, roll over and turn on my laptop (which sleeps on the right side of my bed) to check my Myspace/email/bunny website. Not today, today I woke all on fire, which is really intense when compared to the intense brokenness I have been experiencing. So I decided to drive out to Santa Cruz and do something, I didn't know what. I just had to share, even though the church wasn't opening for another five hours. I get in the car and my favorite song was on! Yes! This day was totally on! So I'm singing and praying--turn onto John Street--singing, thinking wow I'd love to serve--get onto 101 N--but not serve as in teaching yet, I'm such an infant in my faith right now--run into traffic in Prunedale--but I'd love to serve with my time, not teach, there's too much temptation there, hey, I'll work at the church coffee house!--just getting out of Prunedale. . . what am I doing?!?!!

I'm so excited, I started driving to San Jose not Santa Cruz! And then it was there, the big fat lesson! One of my spiritual downfalls (and there are many!) has been enthusiastically throwing myself into ministry with no real direction. Maybe I'm just a bad driver, but God totally used it! I'm really learning to follow His lead right now, it's an amazing feeling! I feel so free in not worrying about what will happen to me. But I'm so excited I feel at risk of not healing enough, because I have been severely broken. So what I did all day in Santa Cruz was read, pray, and journal. I did it in the park, at Jamba Juice, sitting on a bench. I gave my mind to God, and He gave so much in return! Honestly, I think I got spiritual stretch marks today!!

By the time I got to church I was practically bursting at the seems. My worship was pure, my talk was pure, my thoughts were pure. I haven't felt this for years, everything had no hidden motive, I felt so naked... but that's when it happens... the beat down.

I need to learn to expect it, after every talk at Vintage Faith I feel like I've been through the shredder... but in a good way. Last week Josh talked about faith, and I sat there and had to face my intense fear of faith... this week Shelly exactly described my situation, only about her sister, and at first I began feeling helplessness, but then I read the road sign! I had to face my unwillingness to fight for people, and my bitterness towards those who have refused to fight for me. As believers we are commanded to fight for people, for people going through hard times, we are supposed to stand by their side and tell them to push on, we're here for you, you can do it!!

I wish more of us did that, we need it from each other. I think that that's one reason so many of us that know Bob (yes, shout out to you buddy) love him so much, he'll fight for us!

So that's the road sign I was missing (as if there was one, haha, there are many!). I swear to fight for you all. I'm so sorry for who I've been, and I hope I'll be more of a joy to you all in the future. For those friends I've left far behind, I'm sad they will never see this from me, to see what I'm like watered, flourishing!! I know what it's like to be fought for, and I know what it's like to be told "Huh, that's too bad, well there's nothing you can do, it's too late, not even God can help you now..." And from a Christian no less. I never want to be that to any of you!

I'm still working at the church coffee house though :) but I am making a promise to myself and God to follow the road signs.

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