Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Chinese Food:1 Cori:0

I need to learn when to end it, when to know my place, when to submit, when I've been pwned (did I use that right? I hope so, I want so badly to be cool like that), but the fact is, I don't...

So today I felt poor so I went into work early, 11am. I get off at 9pm, so that's a long haul, but I have a laptop so I really don't care. However, I don't get to leave while working so if I want to eat at anytime between 11am and 9:30pm I have to bring it or get it delivered, no prob right? There's like a billion restaurants on Lighthouse. Yeah, so none of them deliver. Not even the pizza places. I call places that I can literally see from the window and say, "I see you, if you can just walk across the street there will be a fat tip on the other side..." No one bites.

So I settle for the demon food that is Chinese. On my third call I find someone that delivers. I've only had coffee today, I can barely hold the phone... death is near. So the Great Wall delivers, I don't know Chinese that well, all I know that I like is chicken veggie chow mien, so I ask for a small... they don't do small.. so I ask for whatever they do do... and quick. Five pm... an hour later, I'm starting to get anxious but I have faith. Twenty minutes later my patience is rewarded, or so I thought.

Chinese food is sneaky. It's sneaky because Chinese people are sneaky, and sneaky people make sneaky food, it is just the way. The sneaky Chinese comes in the door. The sneaky Chinese hands me my food. The sneaky Chinese takes my tip and bolts on his sneaky Chinese legs. I open my bag of seemingly innocent food and eat my fortune cookie and wonder how they get the paper inside. Then I go for the chicken.

I have a plan, when you are a life long dieter you don't eat without a plan. My plan is to eat the chicken first, because if i get some protein in me I won't eat all the noodles. While I wait for the protein to kick in I'll eat the veggies, by the time I eat the chicken and veggies I'll pretty much be full, I'll reward my self control with a few noodles, and dump the rest of the greasy carb death in the trash.

I'm ready to execute the plan, but what came next almost knocked me to the floor... ... ... no freaking chop sticks!

Yeah seriously, no chop sticks, fork... spork... nothing... seriously what the hell?!?! That damn sneaky Chinese kid! I don't keep that shit on me! I finally find a spoon, but it's dirty. I'm pretty pissed about trying to use a spoon in the first place but whatever, lives are on the line here. So I gotta wash this thing, no prob. Yeah so it turns out there's no soap in the salon. That's disgusting, and so is what I do next so you may want to look away.

I use the tanning bed disinfectant to clean the spoon. It works, I get to eat my food but I totally abandon my plan and eat out of order. But it doesn't matter because sure enough I'm totally full on the fifth bite.. thank you MSG.

My fortune said I will step on the soil of many countries, but I disagree. I believe I will step on the heads of many Chinese and smear their sneaky damn food in their sneaky damn eyes.

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