I've written and erased a thousand journal entries in my head this year. A few materialized in the form of blogs, but most were forever lost in the fogs and mists of my mind. But a few thoughts have endured, a virtual montage of scenes and revelations that have developed and stuck through out this year that I'd like to share: me, education, marriage, and social responsibility.
I cannot decide if this year has changed me, or if only my perception of who I am has changed. I've definitely allowed myself contact with a wider variety of personalities and beliefs. I've been forced to recognize how much I hated other people. I've had my faith destroyed by those I trusted and rebuilt by those I did not. I've struggled to shed my superiority and finally admit to not have the answers. I've been restored to my position in the spiritual warfare that I for so long ignored, but now I often find myself fighting both sides. I'm exhausted by that which I embraced so enthusiastically: ignorance, hate, and prejudice, all in the name of one who lived free of these.
Education has become such a paradox. Without it you are a failure. With it you are the brainwashed product of your educators. You can never again claim your thoughts as your own; you've lost the copyright to your intellect. I have been under the influence of about sixty educators in my lifetime thus far, and I can honestly say there has been only one that has truly had some bearing on the development of my beliefs. In a moment his words changed who I was. This is the moment I think about most when reflecting on this year. It was the foundation of everything else I would discover and come to embrace.
"I stood before the woman I wanted to marry, whom I'd known for two weeks, and asked her to marry me. When she said yes, to me, we were married. No one else could make us more or less so." Nothing has guided me so much as these words. They will not make sense until you allow yourself to be in a moment like that. I was not Christian until long after I was baptized and announced as such, yet to think I could have lived my entire life in that lie! I was a wife long before the church and government gave me permission to be. Some people never realize that commitment, one that no other person can touch. A commitment that is beyond love.
Commitment is the most endangered of values. Today, we commit to nothing. Not to each other, not to our faith, not to our country, not to our jobs, not to our beliefs. I am weary of the cries for those who made a promise to our country. To fight for our country. To die for our country. Many still possess true honor and fight for us valiantly, but there are so many others who wanted a free education and believed they would never have to pay the bill. Their mothers rightfully mourn, but ignorantly blame a commander instead of respecting their children's decisions. Commitment and courage are so rare in the American heart. As quickly as a couple sign a marriage certificate they are signing divorce papers. Marriage was never meant to be a mere union of lovers, but an agreement to work as one to succeed in building a family through the one equation that truly works. This has nothing to do with love and happiness, and everything to do to two people's acceptance of their responsibility to society, to their families, and to the future and success of the human race.
This is an abrupt ending, but these thoughts are works in progress. I still have so much to learn, and I still have ten more years to struggle through a closed minded, liberal education system. But... I'll expect growth despite it.