Saturday, June 11, 2005

Why My Job is Hell and I'm the Devil

I'm sitting here at the tanning salon, half way though a nine hour day, and I was just thinking, "You know what, my job is Hell." It really isn't that bad most of the time; I sit on the computer, click the occasional customer into their room, clean the bed after, and resume my Myspacing. But my random little thought really amused me because in reality... there are a few similarities between Hell, and my job. Of course none of us really know what Hell is like, we assume it's hot and it sucks, because God says so and whatever God says goes. Right? Right. So... Hell and my job as a sales associate at Sahara Sun Tanning Salon...

The first and most obvious thing... it's hot. Like hard to breath hot. Our salon is small, and there are no opening windows. There's a small door in the front, and one at the very back, and the fans only frantically circulate the heat. Hell is also hot, only I'm pretty sure doors make even less of a difference there, and the fans are as useless as ours.

It's bad for you. Tanning is addictive, and it can kill you. As a sufferer of tanorexia, I know the constant yo-yo of quitting, and then finding yourself once again baking in the cancer box "one last time." I actually have a customer that just had a cancerous mole (not benign, full on melanoma) cut off her arm and she was back to tanning in a week! The worst thing is that she works for an oncologist. Hell, like tanning, is also bad for you.

Jesus doesn't dig it. I know we have no proof that Jesus was against tanning, but do you remember him popping into the local salon for a quick fake-n-bake? Neither do I. That's because he loved himself the way he was, and he wants you to too! Jesus also doesn't dig Hell, no need to explain, I'm sure you all know the story.

It's burns human flesh causing much weeping and gnashing of teeth. Maybe not after a while, but your first real solid burn is pretty intense, especially because you are usually burning in places you haven't before. Hell also burns human flesh, anyone up for a dip in the lake of fire? I didn't think so.

It's boring. A scalding hot bed that closes over you til it's almost touching your nose, hot air circulating furiously. You just lay there waiting for the twenty minute buzzer. It's so boring. I do occasionally put in a CD and dance (more like wiggle). Overall, however, it is a dull experience. Hell, I assume, is also quite dull. Fortunately, I'll never know... but I'm sure after a couple thousand years you wake up and say, dammit, burning in the eternal pits of Hell again?!???

Well I'm off to sell another customer a month of cancer and try to persuade her to buy a second. Hmm, selling people their doom, does this make me like the Devil? Now that's something to contemplate.