Friday, December 30, 2005

Two Thousand and Five

I've written and erased a thousand journal entries in my head this year. A few materialized in the form of blogs, but most were forever lost in the fogs and mists of my mind. But a few thoughts have endured, a virtual montage of scenes and revelations that have developed and stuck through out this year that I'd like to share: me, education, marriage, and social responsibility.

I cannot decide if this year has changed me, or if only my perception of who I am has changed. I've definitely allowed myself contact with a wider variety of personalities and beliefs. I've been forced to recognize how much I hated other people. I've had my faith destroyed by those I trusted and rebuilt by those I did not. I've struggled to shed my superiority and finally admit to not have the answers. I've been restored to my position in the spiritual warfare that I for so long ignored, but now I often find myself fighting both sides. I'm exhausted by that which I embraced so enthusiastically: ignorance, hate, and prejudice, all in the name of one who lived free of these.

Education has become such a paradox. Without it you are a failure. With it you are the brainwashed product of your educators. You can never again claim your thoughts as your own; you've lost the copyright to your intellect. I have been under the influence of about sixty educators in my lifetime thus far, and I can honestly say there has been only one that has truly had some bearing on the development of my beliefs. In a moment his words changed who I was. This is the moment I think about most when reflecting on this year. It was the foundation of everything else I would discover and come to embrace.

"I stood before the woman I wanted to marry, whom I'd known for two weeks, and asked her to marry me. When she said yes, to me, we were married. No one else could make us more or less so." Nothing has guided me so much as these words. They will not make sense until you allow yourself to be in a moment like that. I was not Christian until long after I was baptized and announced as such, yet to think I could have lived my entire life in that lie! I was a wife long before the church and government gave me permission to be. Some people never realize that commitment, one that no other person can touch. A commitment that is beyond love.

Commitment is the most endangered of values. Today, we commit to nothing. Not to each other, not to our faith, not to our country, not to our jobs, not to our beliefs. I am weary of the cries for those who made a promise to our country. To fight for our country. To die for our country. Many still possess true honor and fight for us valiantly, but there are so many others who wanted a free education and believed they would never have to pay the bill. Their mothers rightfully mourn, but ignorantly blame a commander instead of respecting their children's decisions. Commitment and courage are so rare in the American heart. As quickly as a couple sign a marriage certificate they are signing divorce papers. Marriage was never meant to be a mere union of lovers, but an agreement to work as one to succeed in building a family through the one equation that truly works. This has nothing to do with love and happiness, and everything to do to two people's acceptance of their responsibility to society, to their families, and to the future and success of the human race.

This is an abrupt ending, but these thoughts are works in progress. I still have so much to learn, and I still have ten more years to struggle through a closed minded, liberal education system. But... I'll expect growth despite it.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Our Lord, Amen

Our Lord does not deal in the way of the flesh, in the Earthly tongue that is natively ours. Our Lord does not have a cold checklist, an impersonal set of requirements to be fulfilled. Our Lord does not neglect the imperfect, the unfaithful, the stumbling lost. These are the things of fainthearted and self-righteous.

Our Lord works on a spiritual level so much higher than ours that we can not preach or define it. One that we can only strive to reach, though it cannot be seen, touched, or heard. One that places no single mark on those in which it dwells, lest we be able to recognize it and set ourselves up as judges. There is no test to pass, pledge to recite, or prerequisite to satisfy. These are the things of the worldly and dull-witted.

Those who determine the salvation of others, who define the signs, have set them selves up as judge and God. They are the stumbling blocks that hinder the Lord's work, delight the enemy, and destroy the seeker.

Salvation is not in knowledge, scriptures, works, obedience, morality, righteousness. These are the idols set up by those who envy our Judge's seat, who agonize in their own simplicity, who hunger for power this is not rightly theirs.

My words carry no judgment, as these are my brothers. My heart offers no advice, as my words are condemned. Do not look towards me for the answers, for I only have one: "For god so loved the earth, that he gave his only begotten son." I'm only sorry that to you, this was not enough.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

God Hates Boy Scouts

A new release read, "The Boy Scouts could easily add another attribute to the scout law: resiliency." In other words... the Boy Scouts are America's new Cockroach. "'People have died, we've had storms and we've had heat and the elements,' said will Jackson, 13, of Highland Park." And yet they won't go home...

I don't know how many of you watch the news. I wouldn't except I only have two channels on our tv and I kinda have to take what I can get. So, I watch the news. I don't know how many of you have noticed, but the Boy Scouts have been having a rough summer. ok, they're dropping like flies. no disrespect is meant to any of those who have tragically died or to their grieving families, but i can't leave this alone any longer...

First can I just say, this whole thing makes me think of Lord of the Flies, which creeps the hell outa me.

You all should know something about this, starting with the tent and the power line fiasco. Like I said, it's very very sad, but... it's not like we had the knitters of America putting up a tent, these were scout leaders that should be pro at stuff like this! The irony is agonizing! That's when I first decided something bigger has to be happening, God is pissed at these guys and I say stay away from the whole lot.

Bush did, didn't he? Even he knew something was up when boys started dropping like flies from the heat. He clearly saw this wasn't the brightest bunch of berries and that there was some greater force out to destroy them before they could reproduce. Isn't Their motto something like "Be prepared." We don't hear about hundreds going down from heat at any other conventions... at least the knitters brought water, even if knitting is dumb... but that's another blog.

And then, there was the tree. This is very very sad, but a tree just fell on this girls head yesterday at a Boy Scout first aid thing. There's also been deaths by being struck by lightning and several drownings. I think that this organization is a death trap for children and if you are a member it's only a matter of time.

One article was kind enough to provide this timeline, and it will be with this that I close... and please my friends, if you have little boys just say no to Boy Scouts.

June 21: Brennan Hawkins, an 11-year-old scout from Bountiful, Utah, was found after spending four days lost in the utah wilderness.

June 24: Luke Sanburg, 13, of Helena, Montana, fell into a river while camping with his troop in Yellowstone National Park. He is presumed drowned.

June 30: Fifteen-year-old Chase Hathenbruck, who was rafting with a group of Boy Scouts, drowned after falling into the animas river neat Farmington, N.M.


July 22: A bear attacked Alex Benson, 15, of Plano while he was hiking in Alaska with his troop. He suffered arm and leg injuries.

July 25: At the National Boy Scout Jamboree at Fort A.P. Hill military base in Virginia, four adult scout leaders were electrocuted while putting up a tent pole that hit power lines.

July 26: In Wyoming's Bridger-Teton National Forest, Zachary Jones, a 14-year-old scout from Ogden, Utah, was lost for 19 hours in woods near his campsite.

July 27: At the National Jamboree, more than 300 scouts and visitors were treated for heat-related illnesses after waiting for a visit from President Bush.

July 28: One man died and a 13-year-old boy was critically injured when lightning struck a group of boy scouts on a camping trip at sequoia national park in california.

Friday, July 15, 2005

Not a Low Calorie Food

Today I went grocery shopping. Everywhere you see low carb, low fat, light... lots of stuff for those of us trying to shed a pound or ten. And if a product is high in fat or carbs or nitroglycerin, the manufacturers usually just shut up about it and hope that we don't notice. Pretty smart if you ask me. If they don't bring it up, I don't have to think about it. It's the dieter's don't ask don't tell.

No, not the Wrigley's extra! Yes I'm talking about gum again, so shut up. I was carefully selecting a flavor I thought would be slightly safer than the cool green apple. I decided on polar ice, sugar free of course! But then I noticed it! Right there on the front, not hidden on the back or side or under a secret flap it said it: not a low calorie food. I literally stood there for a full minute, several shoppers poked me to see if I was ok.

Is there any reason why this needed to be advertised? I already feel guilty about being addicted to the hidden calories in propel (ten cal per eight oz) but now they can't just let me pretend that the gum that I'm chewing, not even eating, just chewing, is adding a precious five cal to my daily calorie intake, and that's per a stick! Come on! Give a girl a break!

So that's my disaster of the day. Not only am I a chain chewer, but now I'll be a fat one as well. Why couldn't it be smoking! At least then I'd be addicted and skinny!

Tuesday, July 5, 2005

Existentialism: The Fly in the Fan in my Rabbit Barn

For those of you who don't know and plan on making fun of me for it, let's get this over with right at the beginning. I own a ton of rabbits, I show them and I think that's the coolest thing in the world. I have a barn in which they live and it is not uncommon for me to lose myself in there for several hours doing whatever it is I need to get done.

Yesterday I had been in my barn for about three peaceful hours copying down the breeding and birth records for the last four months, listening to the babies quietly nibbling on their fresh oat hay and the occasional thumping from one of the males. it was my idea of a perfect evening.

It was hot so I had the fan going. It fits into one of the windows blocking half of it. I leaned over to catch some of the cool air and noticed a fly clinging to the fan's front. First thing I thought was "how stupid, who tries to fly into a fan?" I was surprised how long I sat and stared at the foolish fly, even hoping it could make it only inches closer to it's goal.

There are a billion little metaphors that could be born from this moment. I chose to recognize the foolishness of the human race. We are freely given so much good advice as we grow up. Most of us have good parents that want us to succeed, and do everything in their power to help us on our way, yet we rebel in every way. We are all foolish little flies trying with everything we have within us to reach our goal, often times without considering whether this goal will in fact be our doom or not. If that little fly could only move inches to it's left it would have a clear path to the yard, is there something that we could we be missing?

Existentialism is roughly a philosophy that regards human existence as unexplainable and stresses freedom of choice, that's roughly mind you, so don't try to correct me. It goes on about the hostile universe and blah blah blah. Maybe we are making things a lot harder than they need to be. There are open windows all around and yet we refuse to fly through them because that's what our parents, pastor, teacher, whoever wants us to do. Or maybe it's because if we all do the easy thing, we will all blend in. Isn't that what these years are about, we refuse to blend in and in doing so all become the same?

I considered making this more Christian based, but figured those of you who have met the big JC already would automatically spin it in that direction so you don't need me to do it for you.

Either way I liked watching the fly even if it was foolish. I try to look at the big picture and fly through windows where ever possible, but the occasional fan is not completely unwelcome. Thanks for reading my first serious blog, comments, like fans, are also not unwelcome.

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Why My Job is Hell and I'm the Devil

I'm sitting here at the tanning salon, half way though a nine hour day, and I was just thinking, "You know what, my job is Hell." It really isn't that bad most of the time; I sit on the computer, click the occasional customer into their room, clean the bed after, and resume my Myspacing. But my random little thought really amused me because in reality... there are a few similarities between Hell, and my job. Of course none of us really know what Hell is like, we assume it's hot and it sucks, because God says so and whatever God says goes. Right? Right. So... Hell and my job as a sales associate at Sahara Sun Tanning Salon...

The first and most obvious thing... it's hot. Like hard to breath hot. Our salon is small, and there are no opening windows. There's a small door in the front, and one at the very back, and the fans only frantically circulate the heat. Hell is also hot, only I'm pretty sure doors make even less of a difference there, and the fans are as useless as ours.

It's bad for you. Tanning is addictive, and it can kill you. As a sufferer of tanorexia, I know the constant yo-yo of quitting, and then finding yourself once again baking in the cancer box "one last time." I actually have a customer that just had a cancerous mole (not benign, full on melanoma) cut off her arm and she was back to tanning in a week! The worst thing is that she works for an oncologist. Hell, like tanning, is also bad for you.

Jesus doesn't dig it. I know we have no proof that Jesus was against tanning, but do you remember him popping into the local salon for a quick fake-n-bake? Neither do I. That's because he loved himself the way he was, and he wants you to too! Jesus also doesn't dig Hell, no need to explain, I'm sure you all know the story.

It's burns human flesh causing much weeping and gnashing of teeth. Maybe not after a while, but your first real solid burn is pretty intense, especially because you are usually burning in places you haven't before. Hell also burns human flesh, anyone up for a dip in the lake of fire? I didn't think so.

It's boring. A scalding hot bed that closes over you til it's almost touching your nose, hot air circulating furiously. You just lay there waiting for the twenty minute buzzer. It's so boring. I do occasionally put in a CD and dance (more like wiggle). Overall, however, it is a dull experience. Hell, I assume, is also quite dull. Fortunately, I'll never know... but I'm sure after a couple thousand years you wake up and say, dammit, burning in the eternal pits of Hell again?!???

Well I'm off to sell another customer a month of cancer and try to persuade her to buy a second. Hmm, selling people their doom, does this make me like the Devil? Now that's something to contemplate.